Category Archives: humor

Lighten Up ! Another funny one!

This is one of those I had to pass along. I got it in an Email earlier!

 

 

A wealthy old Gentleman decides to go on a

hunting safari in  Africa , taking his faithful,

 elderly Jack Russell named Killer,

 along for the company. 

One day the old Jack Russell starts

chasing rabbits and before long,

discovers that he’s lost.

 

Wandering about, he notices a leopard

heading rapidly in his direction with

the intention of having lunch. 

The old Jack Russell thinks, ‘Oh, oh!

I’m in deep doo-doo now!’

 

Noticing some bones on the ground close by,

he immediately settles down

to chew on the bones with his back to

the approaching cat.

 

Just as the leopard is about to leap,

the old Jack Russell exclaims loudly,

‘Boy, that was one delicious leopard!

 

I wonder, if there are any more

around here?’ 

Hearing this, the young leopard

halts his attack in mid-strike,

a look of terror comes over him

and he slinks away into the trees.

 

‘Whew!’, says the leopard,

‘That was close! That old Jack Russell

nearly had me!’


Meanwhile, a monkey

who had been watching the whole scene from

 a nearby tree, figures he can put this

 knowledge to good use and trade it for

 protection from the leopard. So, off he goes,

 

But the old Jack Russell sees him heading

 after the leopard with great speed, and

 figures that something

must be up. 

The monkey soon catches up with

the leopard, spills the beans

and strikes a deal for himself

with the leopard. 

The young leopard is furious

at being made a fool of and says,

‘Here, monkey, hop on my back

and see what’s going to happen

to that conniving canine! 

Now, the old Jack Russell sees the

 leopard coming with the monkey on

 his back and thinks, ‘What am I

 going to do now?’,

 

But instead of running, the dog sits down

 with his back to his attackers,

pretending he hasn’t seen them yet,

and just when they get close enough

to hear, the old Jack Russell says…

 

‘Where’s that darn monkey? I sent him off

 an hour ago to bring me another leopard!


Moral of this story
.

Don’t mess with Us Old Dawgs…  

age and skill will always overcome youth and

 treachery!

 

Brilliance only come with age 

and experience. 

 Of course, I am in no way saying

that any of you are old, some are just

more ‘youthfully challenged.’

 

You did notice the size of the print,

didn’t you?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Lighten Up #5 Southern Grandma. Do you know this lady?

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How much “poop” do you want in your brownies?

I have been dealing with a situation that reminds me of a story I heard once.

Seems as if there was a father who had a couple of teenage daughters. He loved them very much and every Friday night he would bake them a batch of brownies. This was really something they looked forward to every Friday.

One Sunday, on the way home from church, the daughters asked their father if they could go to a movie with some of the other kids from church. The father asked them what movie it was, and they told him. Just so happens that he was familiar with this movie and knew that it might not be appropriate for his daughters to see.

“Girls, you know I love you, but this movie isn’t one that I think you should see”, said the dad.

“Aw, come on dad, all the girls from the youth group are going and besides that it only has a little ‘cussin’ in it and maybe a little “sexy stuff. It must be good dad, everybody going to it!”

“Girls, let me think about it and I will let you know next Friday” said the dad.

The father prayed about it and Friday came with an answer. As he was preparing the girls their brownies for that night, he got his answer, and put some special ingredients in the mix.

That night, the girls rushed into the kitchen and saw their brownies. Just as they were about to munch down, dad says ” Girls wait! You know that movie you asked me about, you know the one with a little “cussin” and a little “sexy stuff ? Well, I decided that if you will eat all of these brownies tonight, that I will consider letting you go to it”. 

“WOW! Really dad? That’s great!” the girls exclaimed!

“BUT WAIT a minute girls before you eat them. You should know that I put a special ingredient in them. You know, you said that the movie only had a little “cussin” and “sexy stuff” in it. Well you should know that there is a little dog poop in your brownies.”

The point to this story is, How much poop do you want in your brownies?

When we start making excuses for even a “little sin”, then you are giving the enemy, satan, just enough room to start operating in different areas of your life.  

1 Thessalonians 5:22 says; “Abstain from all appearance of evil.”

You know the old saying, ” if it looks like a duck and sounds like a duck, then it must be a duck”. Sin is sin, no matter how you package it up!

So the next time someone tells you something or ask you something that might not be in God’s will for you, just ask yourself, ” How much poop do I want in my brownies ?” 

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Holiday Attitudes! Overcoming the world! repost

I have spent probably 60% of my adult life working in the public in retail Management. Christmas was always ” The Make It or Break It ” time of year and pressure was always there to “Make It”. You know, “MONEY”!

People start going through the “Hustle and Bustle” of the Holidays and the next thing you know, “ATTITUDES” come along. Tempers flare. I think you get the picture. For a lot of people, the joy is overshadowed by the commercialization of what should be ” Happy Holidays ” or ” Merry Christmas”

For us who consider Ourselves in the Body of Christ, we find ourselves not always immune from this phenomena of “ATTITUDES”.

So what kind of witness is it that we are walking around in during this time of year.

King James Version(KJV)

Revelations 12: 10And I heard a loud voice saying in heaven, Now is come salvation, and strength, and the kingdom of our God, and the power of his Christ: for the accuser of our brethren is cast down, which accused them before our God day and night.

 11And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death.

 12Therefore rejoice, ye heavens, and ye that dwell in them. Woe to the inhabiters of the earth and of the sea! for the devil is come down unto you, having great wrath, because he knoweth that he hath but a short time.

We, who confess Jesus as Lord of our life, have already overcome satan and all that the “world system” can throw at us , by letting Jesus be our Lord. SO, we have a lot to be “Thankful” for during Thanksgiving. As well as, every other day of the year.

My question is concerning your “testimony”. When we are out in the world, especially over the next few weeks, will our testimony be of “good report” or will it get mixed up with the things of the world and become of “bad report”. Will “anger” override “Love” from you during this time of year? Will “worry” override “trust” in the Lord? Will “sadness and loneliness” triumph over “Joy and Gladness” for all of the “Goodness and Grace” from God the Father?

What will be the report of your “testimony” this Christmas and Holiday season? Are you an overcomer of the world or have you been overcome by the world?

If you are a “Born Again” child of God, then your report should be good and you should be joyous in all things!

If you have not given your life to Christ Jesus, then I invite you to do so. Find a “Born Again” child of God and tell them of your desire to quit living under the guilt and condemnation of the world.

Romans 12:1&2 , tells us to “present ourselves to God as a living sacrifice”, which is an ongoing process that may take the rest of your natural life here on earth. It is a process that daily we come face to face with those things we have to ” Deal With”. Those “Issues” that we wish would go away. We have to let God reveal to us, through the Holy Spirit, all of the junk, “The ATTITUDES” we have, the”anger” we have deep in us , whatever it is that comes between us and God, We have to let Him show us and help us sacrifice those things in order to lead a life of an “OVERCOMER”.

We have to not “Be conformed” to the ways of the world. We have to get rid of that old “stinkin’ thinking” and have the “Renewed Mind of Christ”.

This Christmas season, dear Brothers and Sisters in Christ, be a blessing to everyone you come in contact with. Share with them the best Christmas present that they could ever get.

Let you ”Testimony” be of the “Good News”! 
 

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Lighten Up V!! Forrest Gump goes to Heaven!

Forrest Gump died and went to heaven. When he got to the gate, he was stopped by Peter. Peter told Forrest he had to answer some questions before he could go in.

First Question Forrest. How many seconds are in a year?

Forrest replied, That’s easy, there’s 12 seconds in a year!

What, Peter exclaimed, 12 seconds. How did you get that Forrest?

Forrest said, Well there’s January second, February second, March second,…..

Peter exclaimed OK, I understand Forrest. That’s good !!

Peter said, The next one may be harder now Forrest! What is God’s first name?

Forrest didn’t even bat an eye and said, Andy!!

What, said Peter, now how do you know that as God’s name?

Forrest said “Andy walks with me” “Andy talks with me” “Andy tells me I am His own”

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Lighten Up IV

 Posted by IWanthetruth on December 13, 2007 12:13

The First Man in the Bible
A Sunday School teacher asked little Willie who the first man in the Bible was.

“Hoss.” said Willie.

“Wrong,” said the teacher. “It was Adam.”

“Aw, shucks!” Willie replied. “I knew it was one of those Cartwrights.”

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Lighten Up III !!

A friend of mine was at a church visiting and was asked to go over and pray with a man who was seeking the Holy Spirit. My friend went over and started talking to this guy and the man felt like he would never be Baptized in the Spirit. My friend told him that if he truly wanted it, God would give it to him that day, right there on the spot. The man said “yes, I want it now”. My friend sat down next to him and asked the man to raise his hands, open toward heaven, to receive. As my friend was leading this man in prayer, he said to repeat after me, ” Lord, fill me with your Spirit”, in which the man repeated that. My friend said ” Fill me, Fill me”. He noticed this guy touching his arm , up and down, in which my friend said ” What are you doing?”. The guy said” Well, you said feel me”.

Lighten up, people! Enjoy this wonderfull life God has given us all!

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